Healing Through Stillness

I have had an injury for about a month and a half which has prevented me from exercising. Exercise has always been a huge part of my life. I remember as a young girl putting away the Barbie’s because the neighbor kids called me a sissy and I became a tomboy. I had natural athletic ability and usually excelled in any physical activity I tried. It didn’t take me long to realize it got me the attention I craved, especially from my parents. In turn my body benefited and I have always had an athletic physic. As an adult, I have strived to keep pretty close to the body from my youth with a strict exercise routine and trying to eat mostly healthy. As you can imagine, not exercising has been very challenging. The first couple weeks I replaced exercise with other busy activities. As the weeks went on and my pain became more severe I was forced to sit around more than I ever have in my whole life😳 In the process of having to be still I realized, being a busy body in mind and actions had been hiding the inner pain of losing connection to myself. Pride in independence, hard work, toughness, responsibility and striving we’re valued themes in my family for generations. I had become attached to those values and a life of “doing” has ensued. I have been hard on myself, a task master, pushing to do better, accomplish more, having a suck it up and just do it mentality. Hence, my injury came when I really didn’t feel like going to exercise class but did anyway, knew the exercises the instructor was having us do we’re not good for me yet, toughed it out, ending up with a hurt knee and back ugh! Heck looking back, I have never really let myself even take a nap no matter how exhausted, without feeling guilty about what I should be doing instead of being “lazy”. My mind was constantly filled with busy chatter of tasks I needed to do, thinking about others and how I could serve(control situations) to make everyone happy. I constantly gave myself, energy and power away trying to be the person I was raised to be and thought I should be. In return I felt valued, loved and had proved my worth. The life of doing I created became a habit which has imprisoned me to a life of inner suffering that I didn’t even recognize. My doingness and the pride I had gotten from it had separated me from my truth, from living in and enjoying the present moment. What a great wake up call, a gift I was given by my body to force me into healing through stillness. For the first time in my life I have been able to quiet my mind enough to reconnect to myself. I have thrown off routines opening the gates of freedom. Freedom to be me, however that looks each day. Checking in each morning and asking myself “what do I need today?” Some days I have needed to exercise, some rest, some play. I have allowed myself to laugh more, cry more, to just be vulnerable and even out of control. It has been a refreshing month of lightness, replacing doingness with beingness; getting out of my head and living from my heart. My body has become a little softer and more curvy but I choose to love it anyway. When I want a cheeseburger or a beer, I don’t think about how much I am going to need to exercise to make up for it. I have realized making others happy is not my responsibility so I no longer wait around to see how I can serve. Even in my relationship to God, whether it was going to church, reading the Bible, praying or serving Him, each was a task to be completed. Even in my seeking through doing, I created separation where He could only reach me in the stillness of sleep or the fleeting moments of intuition or creativity. So, I have even renounces routines with Him, coming into a space of communion with Him through complete surrender to the present and the unique expression of myself. It has been challenging to break the habits and some days I fail miserably. When the awareness of old routines nudge me, I get out of my head, returning my focus to feeling my way through my day in the present moment. In being me, I am able to reconnect to the little girl with the bright light in her eyes, with an authentic smile who harnessed her energy and power to be a complete expression of herself moment to moment. The spirit who intimately knew God before her earthly entrance. For the first time in a long time I am remembering what it feels like to be me and to be free. Its pretty damn awesome!

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