As a parent of four kids, I am realizing how much I have failed my kids(in a way, I will explain in a bit) by being to attached. Attached to the ideas of how my parents raised me. Attached to societies beliefs about raising successful children. Attached to religious perceptions of how children should behave. Attached to false ideals about what a good parent is. Fortunately for me through the grace of God my kids overall have survived my lack of awareness of conscious parenting. However, they have not made it out without their own challenges connected to my attachments. It has been difficult to awaken to the errors of my own growing pains and how they hindered my authentic expression of my true self. It is even more so, watching your children repeat the patterns of behavior that you modeled, now knowing the stifling effect of their true nature.
It is easy to become a parent that is attached. We disguise or justify our attachments by thinking we are guiding and preparing our kids for success. I really felt that to be true when I was raising my kids. I didn’t see that my attachments were really related to my own subconscious insecurities and false beliefs that I took on from everything going on around me during my developmental stages. I grew up a peace keeper because my dad had a quick temper. My kids in turn felt controlled by my need to keep things from getting messy. No emotional outburst, no fighting, “just be nice” was my personal motto. I grew up a people pleaser and did what was “right” as to not “disappoint” which translated to my kids feeling manipulated into “good behavior” and judged if they did something that wasn’t pleasing in my or others eyes. From my new awareness I now understand that most parents become attached parents to “look good.” You know what I am talking about if you have ever heard other parents shaming conversations. “I would never let my kid act like that”, “Did you hear about the trouble Ben is in?” “What is that kid even doing in the game, he is terrible” Parenting is tough because it brings up all those repressed feelings and memories of our own childhood. It is no wonder we become so attached trying to overcompensate, helicopter and try to save our kids from looking or feeling bad; so as to not have to relive the insecurities and pain we have filed away deep inside.
How do you know if you are being an attached parent? Notice when you get uncomfortable.
This whole idea was foreign to me until my mentor said to me one day, “You know those kids don’t belong to you.” I thought to myself, “yeah I am pretty sure they do. Who can forget the pain of childbirth?!; all the sleepless nights?!” Then she said, “they are on loan from God and they picked you to be their earthly mother. They also came to be your greatest teachers, to test and challenge, to help heal your soul.” As I contemplated what she was saying it began to sink in. My kids where 4 separate spirits who chose to come to have an earthly experience through me as their mother. They chose me knowing all the ways I would “fail” them because that is just what was needed for the evolution of their souls. They came to help me too. This concept can be hard to grasp but when you remember that everyone is a child of God, your kids fall under that too. When you can begin healing your subconscious attachments from your own childhood with the same spiritual perspective, then you begin to move into a new awareness. One unattached from guilt, shame, blame, unworthiness and fear into love, forgiveness, acceptance, and worthiness. Unfortunately for my kids, I really didn’t begin to understand being unattached until they were beyond their teenage years. Now as they struggle to find themselves aside from the attachments they subconsciously picked up from their raising, I can choose to remain unattached. Whatever they are going through, though it still hurts me when they hurt, I have a new awareness of each of their individual soul journeys. Knowing that there is a greater plan at work on a spiritual level and that they will get exactly what they need at the Divinely appointed time when their soul is ready to go higher in consciousness. Each of my kids are at a different place of their soul evolution and each have their own challenges that are there to shift and elevate them. Staying unattached, I can support, teach and help them look at the challenges in their lives from a spiritual perspective. In turn the kids are freed up to have their own earthly experience without judgement, experience their own failures and successes without feeling manipulated, controlled or shamed and to know that mine and God’s love for them is unconditional. I can rest in the fact that whatever comes their way their Heavenly Father is in control and has His loving hand of protection around them. Unattached parenting is easy once you accept your kids are on loan from God, He knows what is best and will work everything out for their highest good.