A little over a year ago, I had a spiritual being visit me in a dream who I recognized as the voice of God. I heard clearly, I was to write a book. He told me I was to title it Courage to Heal. I remember arguing with God, reminding him that I was not a doctor, nor did I have the credentials to write such a book. He assured me I would receive the information from Him. I immediately woke up with the memory burned into my head and a large amount of fear surrounding what had just happened. Fear, in getting struck down with a major illness so I would have a point of reference and an experience from which to write. Needless to say, I freaked out for a few months, until I realized God had already been filling me full of experiences and writing material from my own journey of healing. Healing from the inside out.
As I began to organize and write my thoughts, words were not flowing. I knew it wasn’t the right time so I waited and waited. As I waited, thinking God would deliver a miraculous inspiration, it became very clear, I was still to wounded to receive it. There was still too much inner work for me to do in order to heal. I had spent the better part of 10 years looking within and healing various aspects of the beliefs, habits and ways of being that were hindering my life. All of which, created separation from my truth. However, this past year, my soul put me on a healing crash course and it has been tough! As of a few weeks ago, I felt like I was in a good space and finally ready. I felt in my spirit something was on the verge of breaking open. Finally a breakthrough came!
No, it wasn’t a miraculous visit from angels filling my ears with words of healing wisdom to write in a book. Rather it was a crushing blow bringing awareness to a subconscious program which has been running my life for years. All the healing work I had done up to this point felt all for naught, because the sinister seed of an isolation program was deeply rooted and hiding within. I had made significant strides in healing some of its off shoots such as a need to people please, martyrdom, unworthiness, perfectionism, using my voice and reclaiming my power. However, the isolation program had created a web of subconscious behaviors, beliefs and lies to protect itself from being recognized. It has kept me from developing authentic, intimate relationships, in a sense isolated, a loaner, through the wrong beliefs such as; if I let others get to close they will reject me, expressing my emotions might scare people away, If I am messy, I am out of control and will be rejected, If I am not agreeable, people won’t like me. I must play small to be accepted etc… So, the last few days have been emotional, confusing and disappointing. Its kind of like struggling to the top of a hill and then seeing there is another one in front of you, much steeper than the one you just peaked. That is how it is with the subconscious. The unawareness causes the discord. Once it moves into our awareness, we can begin to take steps to uproot the core beliefs, moving us back into the remembrance of our truth, back to love.
How do we know what steps to take to heal? Look no further than fear. What are you afraid of? Using myself as an example. I am afraid to be a bitch, angry, grumpy, bossy, outspoken because when I was little, those ways of being were recognized as bad. Courage requires me to take steps out of my comfort zone. Let my anger fly, be demanding, outspoken, a Babe In Total Control of Herself. I am afraid of what others might think of what I do. Guess what? I got my belly button pierced the other day, yes at my age! I am afraid of intimacy, letting others know the messy parts of me. Here goes, one of the best decisions I ever made was to have a one night stand. That may sound harsh but it was the beginning of my spiritual awaking, shaking me to the core and setting me on a healing journey to know the God within. I just faced 3 fears all of which my isolation program was hanging over me to keep me a prisoner. Daily, I will have to observe myself, recognizing when the program is trying to come up and drive my words, thoughts and actions. Awareness allows me to make a new choices, those that are uncomfortable. Over time, those which were once out of my comfort zone will be done with ease, a sign the subconscious negative core belief is uprooted.
Subconscious core beliefs that are negative in nature requires the strong arm of God to break the binding chains. We must do the work and take actions to transform but it is impossible to heal without the assistance of the Holy Spirit. This week I have repented for how I have sinned against God and myself for making idols of my relationships(the need to be liked, loved) which has caused a separation from my truth. I have renounced my attachment to things outside myself and have asked for Divine assistance to give me opportunities to step out of my comfort zone, help me recognize them and follow through with new action. I have been at this healing work long enough to know, when we step out and do our part even when it seems impossible, Jesus will step in and bridge the gap making it possible. Freedom, passion and love are the by-products of inner healing. Healing isn’t easy but it sure beats the alternative…death! I want to really live so I accept this healing purification with love and gratitude. ” The wound is the place where the light enters you” Rumi